Beware the fighter pilot squirrels!

I am irrationally frightened of squirrels.  I jump and move away if one comes too near when I’m on a park bench and I don’t think it’s cute when chase each other by my feet (NYC  squirrels are more “friendly” than any I’ve ever seen–if by “friendly” you mean homicidal) Yeah, yeah the waterskiing squirrel was funny, the little squirrel plush toy my friend has is soft, and I used to sing (completely off-key, I’m sure) “Grey Squirrel” around my Girl Scout campfire.  None of this changes how I feel about them.  At their worst they are devious, disease carrying, razor toothed, little monsters.  

At best they are worthy of constant suspicion and avoidance.  S, who to my knowledge isn’t afraid of squirrels and actually feeds chipmunks (the lesser evil but equally dangerous kin to squirrels–I told you it was irrational), once remarked, in a half-asleep stupor, about the little buggers on the fire escape outside the bedroom window he was closing that he didn’t “want them getting in here and impinging on our personal freedoms” (I have no idea what he was dreaming about but I laughed for about an hour, after the window was closed and locked of course).  

So you can imagine my terror when I was I bombarded by squirrel bombs, aka acorns, on my run in the park this morning.  There is a spot on the southern part of the Prospect Park loop where the tree branches extend far enough over the path on both sides that they almost touch, allowing the squirrels to run from one side to the other via the tree bark freeway.  I don’t usually think much of it (which is exactly when they sneak up on you), but today I took notice.  As I ran under the trees I was hit not once, but twice with acorns!  

Now you’re thinking, “It’s autumn and acorns DO just fall,” aren’t you?  Well, ok, that’s true.  BUT, immediately after I was hit there was the unmistakable rustling of the leaves and sound of little squirrel claws on the branches overhead that I knew it was a squirrel who threw those acorns.  Yes, threw.  It was intentional, I’m sure, as they could no doubt tell that I had been lured into a false sense of security.  Got me right on the shoulder, too.  They’ve got good aim, I will say that.  

Obviously these little beasts have declared war.

These fighter pilots aren’t just waging an air assault.  No, no.  They’ve also opened a ground attack by peppering the running lanes with their bombs.  Those sneaky little imps know that acorns are the perfect size to go virtually unnoticed by the distracted eye right up until you catch one underfoot and go sailing like a cartoon character on a carelessly discarded banana peel.  

Adhering to my lifelong pledge of non-violence, I ducked for cover (actually I started running faster to the clearing ahead trying to sidestep their traps on the ground), I could almost hear them laughing a sick, victorious laugh.  Once again, they got me.  

So beware as they scurry by, and especially when they are overhead.  Do not be fooled by their furry, innocent faces.  Behind the facade lurks an ace fighter pilot, just waiting for the perfect moment, right when you least expect it…..

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